Unless one of the partners in the marriage is a flippant and frivolous kind of person, it takes a lot of motivation and desperation to call off a marriage, no matter what the duration is or the effects of this decision will have on the spouse or the rest of the family. However, if there are intrinsic love and respect for each other, you could still save your marriage and avoid divorce before it gets too late.
Though it is critically important to know why they split-up happened in the first place, we are not going to talk about it right now presuming that you already have a clear idea of what or who is responsible for breaking up your marriage. Let us think more positive and discuss ways to save your marriage, where the most important point to remember is that the intention to save it has to be present in both of you.
It is impossible to save your marriage where only you express keenness to repair the damages and the other simply sits back and assesses your progress. In case you see this happening, it is better that you stop further efforts to save your marriage, instead of releasing the person from the bondage.
Let us begin where it normally begins when a marriage turns sour:
– total breakage in communication
– disinterest in all activities where you play a role
– staying away from any intimacy including sex
– shying away from any social interaction
– resorting to various types of addiction
– staying away from home as much as possible
– frequent outbursts of temper
In fact, ask any person going through a bad marriage and he or she would come up with more gory incidents.
Be that as it may, you somehow sense that the days are numbered when your spouse is either going to leave home or announce the intention for splitting. Ideally, as an intelligent and aware spouse, you should start work to save your marriage at the earliest signal before the snowballing effect starts to show. But even if you blame events on other causes like stress at work, loss of a job, death in the family, ill health, an ominous combination of all or whatever, make it a point to keep a close watch on the way things are moving if you want to save your marriage and avoid divorce.
Here are some tips which have always proved right, no matter what the individual situations are:
>> Before you start your efforts to save your marriage think and write down the issues which are bothering you. Do not rely on memory and never start any discussion on the subject when one or both of you are in a bad mood. Pick up an opportune moment, preferably when there is no one at home, or somewhere where you can talk without any interruption when you can gradually broach the topic.
>> Sound positive and express your sincerity of purpose right at the beginning. Make it very clear that you are very keen to save your marriage and this discussion is not to blame each other or pinpoint each other’s inadequacies. Try to make this meeting constructive rather than wasting time on trivia.
>> To save your marriage, discuss issues openly and frankly, without using abusive or hurtful words. Even if your spouse has made umpteen mistakes including acts of insensitivity, carelessness, irresponsible behavior, etc – you do not have to bring up those topics rudely. For example, if excessive alcohol consumption is an issue between the two of you, talk about health concerns more than anything else. If there is a third person who is disrupting the marriage, never abuse or underestimate the other person – instead, make polite inquiries and ask your spouse about his or her future intentions, depending on which you could chalk out your future course of actions to save your marriage.
>> Spend as much time as possible with each other. Invite your spouse to that quaint little restaurant where you have spent many happy hours earlier. The whole idea is to talk and open up your hearts in a peaceful and relaxed environment. This also includes planning a short holiday, where you could be together for a long stretch of time. Touch therapy still works. Touch your spouse whenever wherever just to show that you are there and you care.
Forgiveness, patience, and perseverance are perhaps the most important tools you need to save your marriage. The critical issue here is not to waste time in wishful thinking or even allowing hatred and anger to build up. It spoils the chances to save your marriage even further.
So your spouse has deserted you and now demands a divorce. This is despite the long association, despite the kids, despite your health and despite you not doing anything drastically ‘wrong’. Be that as it may, you are keen to get close to your spouse again but as far as stopping your divorce is concerned, you are clueless as to where to begin and how to save your marriage.
Before you start to make plans for stopping your divorce, here are some pointers, which might trigger some thoughts as well as action steps:
>> Why exactly are you thinking about stopping your divorce? You have to answer this question as frankly as possible. Stop believing in the concept of ‘love’ at this point in time, since it is presumed that there ought to have been love in the first place and somehow you lost it.
>> Do the reasons for stopping your divorce include small and helpless children? Do you need your spouse back to take care of you and your illness? Or is the reason linked to money and you need monetary assistance to live the lifestyle you are used to? Frank and honest answers to such questions may reveal a lot of home-truths which may be closely linked to hypocrisy on your part. If there is any particular reason why you are keen on stopping your divorce, remember there is always a way out of the situation, if you have the will to carry out your decision that is.
>> It could well be the fact that the huge financial implication involved in case you are divorced is the basic reason for stopping your divorce. If this is the case with you, think again; is there any point in stopping your divorce and starting to live with the same person all over again when there is no question of any future compatibility whether physical or mental?
>> Think about what lies ahead once you are successful in stopping your divorce. You get back your spouse, back on the same bed, holding you with the same arms. But is the person inside the same? Can all the bitterness that preceded the divorce decision ever be forgiven and forgotten? Remember it takes a second to break a relationship but a lifetime to build it.
>> Can your efforts to bringing back your spouse ever be able to bring back that same spirit of joy and togetherness that you enjoyed during the phase when your spouse did not have any problems with you? If there is solid ground for your spouse to ask for the divorce, why not respect it and forget and move on? Of course, it is easier said than done, but with time, anything is possible.
Before you plan out your course of action in stopping your divorce, think that more than the physical entity, you are trying to establish a renewed relationship with a mind – that was till recently, full of bitterness, anger, disappointment, resentment and perhaps even hatred. Think twice before you jump to any decision.
But, on the flip side, there are many couples who have been able to successfully pick up all the broken pieces and live a happy life together. It might be true in your case. If you think that your marriage is worth saving and fighting for… you should do it!